Let's Start [Again & Again]

A writing that I have kept for years because I never had the courage to face up to my own demons within. Today it felt right. My heart felt the need to share because somewhere, someone may be going through what I did. Everything is going to be OK. Let's start again...For EM.

This new year I woke feeling just like another other day. I practiced, trained and did things like I would normally do. I was bored with the notion of new year resolutions (perhaps it is a 'age' thing) - start excited only to fall off the wagon halfway through. Sometimes it feels like a vicious cycle, running on a hamster wheel, feeling like a never ending process. I can blame it on COVID19 but I refused to because personally I am not a fan of excuses. Either I do or I don't. There is no in-between.

I pulled out the past three years of diaries / notes and started looking through them. I saw a repeated patterns. I saw myself through my writings, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams, my ups and downs, my great and (mostly) not-so-great moments. I felt somewhere I had lost myself. The truth is I have been feeling lost for some time. 

I could blame it on losing my bestie to cancer while achieving my high in my 'work' status - getting authorised level 2 after chasing it for years. While I was busy building the new teaching space and getting all the congratulations, a part of me was slowly dying. Our last conversation replayed in my head a lot of times. We were the few lucky ones who were able to bid goodbyes and said what we had to say before she left. I was angry. I felt hurt. How could she leave me behind? 

Guilt was eating me up inside. A few months before her diagnosis I had decided that we had grown apart. That I would be spending less time with her. Yet I had called her my bestie. How ironic it was. She apologised to me and asked for my forgiveness if she had ever done anything to hurt me unintentionally. She said she had hoped that she had done enough during her time alive. She hoped that she had done her best. I held on to her words with me till this very moment. In fact they have become my manifesto in some ways.

I want to do my best, not hurt anyone intentionally and spend my time doing meaningful things while still being alive. The last four years I haven't been honest with my own emotions and how I truly felt. I had been angry, lost, felt abandoned and scared. I had allowed my emotions to control my life without myself realising I was living unconsciously. If this is the moment I had to wake up, this would be the moment. 

How would she want me to live.

BE COURAGEOUS. BE BRAVE. BE SCARED & STILL LIVE YOUR FULL POTENTIAL

So when my time is up, I would have lived and be leaving knowing that I have done and given my best effort this lifetime. So yes let's start again. Let me start living and being alive again. No matter what shit storm come charging my way, I know I will get up. I am not just a survivor, I am a true fighter. 

I am truly grateful for this moment and for my writing therapy that GOD has given me a long time. It has been my true coping mechanism and I will use this gift to walk on the next chapter of my life.

Let's start again!